Our bodies hold the memories our minds haven't processed yet. Our spirit feels the whiplash from the heartache of years past. Depending on the sensitivities of our temperament we may not even be aware of this. The burdened past can manifest as ongoing addictions, a collection of anxieties, an isolated loneliness, a quest for attention, and the list goes on.
I must admit the past is not something I dwell on. I prefer not to focus on the years of dysfunction. I don't want to think about the people I let down; the heartache I stuffed away with food and pills and denial. The insecurities I masked with arrogance and feigned apathy. The truth was I wasn't aloof or arrogant. I was just hanging on for dear life, trying to survive in a world that felt foreign, uninviting, intolerably uncomfortable, and racked with uncertainty. Uncertainty - I could never do. So I pursued control in every way. Control every aspect of every step of every domain in my life. If i do every single thing perfectly, in this perfect way, in this order, every single day then I will be happy and successful. ?!?!
I was too young and too naive to know the irony in this pursuit. To think I could control anything other than my next step is laughable. And yet I tried. I tried until I stumbled so hard face-forward into a period of dark, lonely depression. My heart and mind felt irretrievably broken - my spirit crushed by the lack of connection, perceived rejection, and helplessness around me. but alas nothing lasts forever. the sliver lining was that it was a temporary stop in my growth and development. Through all of that turmoil, chaos, conflict of my 20s came a significant amount of growth and self-awareness. The perspective it has given me in my work is priceless. To not shy away from our darkest moments, to not fear the heaviness, to not reflexively jump into assuaging the discomfort, alleviating the pain - to simply sit with the dis-ease. that courageous "pause" gives us the strength and peace we are all desperately seeking in our lives...
New Year, Who This?
ElyVas v2.4.
