Can't decide what to title this post. i've been avoiding writing this. i don't want to put it down because then it will be real. something is going on inside me...feels familiar yet foreign. that weight of life. this curtain coming down, distancing me from the world around me. disconnecting me. is it a mood problem? it feels darker than that. heavier than that. is it a spiritual malaise? i think so. but it feels even more than that.
reaching out to hold my son, his smile warms me up, makes my heart beat softer. lean over and kiss my husband, his love awakens me, his strength sustains me, how did i get so lucky? it's this very question that has kept me from wanting to write this. i'm craving an escape from this physical/mental/emotional unrest inside of me. I'm looking for an out. and the reality of that disappoints me immensely. after everything i have been through, the absolute HELL i lived through, somehow survived through, after the spiritual awakening that carried me into a new way of life - and yet here I am, feeling uneasy for a few days and jumping into the fantasy of what a drink or drug can do for me. Need a RESET button for all of my champagne problems...is that nails on a chalkboard or is that the sound of a whining privileged entitled woman who needs a reality check...
The first time my husband shared the concept of "being good at all of it..." with me it was the summer of 2019 and I was experiencing a very real, very difficult situation. It tested my inner strength, it made me question my faith, had me doubting every truth i thought i lived by...my reality was getting distorted, my resilience was waning. and i shared with my husband that i was having waves of hopelessness, wondering if i should just jump in front of a train because what was the point of it all...it was then that my husband shared a very powerful perspective with me. He asked me if i knew what sets the winner of a race apart from the second place finisher. I shook my head "no...they're just better i guess?" and he said "how are they better? both are the best at what they do...but one is better at "being good at all of it"...”
What is "all of it"? It is the planning that goes into race day. it is getting to the city a few days early... it is driving to the venue the day before. it is knowing what you will have for dinner the night before. It’s practicing in your race day outfit. it’s guarding your psychic space as sacred ground, protecting it against any outside noise. It’s meditating between heats...minimizing the distractions. It’s being at the starting line early. and finally, the most important piece: it is knowing how to "rest inside the work,” cultivating equanimity, accessing grace under pressure...better than the other guy. thats what sets the winner apart. The difference between the very best and all of the rest.
Something about how my husband laid it out for me struck a nerve. it resonated. it made a lot of sense. damn. that summer I had increasing professional obligations, more leadership responsibilities, an exam to prepare for, a non-profit to grow....when i saw it that way, i realized there was no space left for self-doubt, outside noise, and non-supporters. I suddenly had more clarity around my future. The sadness, the hopelessness, the desperation for relief...it all disappeared. I started resting inside of the work.
So now whenever I fall into a "state" and have a string of days that weaken my resolve, destabilize my sense of self and I get distracted from my purpose...i remember what my husband asked me....”what’s the difference between 1st and 2nd place…” I remember I have to be good at all of it.
With loving kindness,
ElyVas
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