This is a CRISIS. I feel the deep pangs of heart ache like hot blisters scorching my insides. I am too sensitive and labile to handle emotional rejection. At moments like this one I question how far I have really come in this new period. I claim to be so fucking grounded. Yet here I am, crying uncontrollably at work, energetically drained, head throbbing, stomach churning, legs numb - all because I got into a fight with my boyfriend. What is this? Do most girls go through this?
All I know is that I want conflict resolved...immediately. I don't want it to linger. I can't stomach the idea of "time" and "processing." I'm terrified of being alone. That's the truth. I think I've found the love of my life. But also - I am terrified of being alone. So I hang in this in-between place of total dependence on my boyfriend to fulfill all my social needs all the while telling myself I am grounded and level-headed.
We keep going back and forth in the same argument - we have gone in circles so many times I barely know what we are fighting about anymore. What I do know is that he breached the trust of our relationship - and it crushed me. Is my ego too big or am I rightfully angered like "how dare he try to keep anything from ME?" How dare he minimize the significance of lying to my face? I feel like I've been made a fool. This feeling will pass but will this relationship sustain itself? I really don't know. How do I let go of a seemingly perfect guy? I can't.
The only silver lining in this situation is that I'm having a great fucking hair day, my makeup looks flawless and I'm killing it at work. So, anyway...
I'll keep you all updated.
xoxo
the girl who can't stop crying
