Cleanse me back to the holy land

Hi sugar-free, super-skinny fruitcakes:


I'm planning a July 4th extravaganza. My besties, my boyfriend, my gays, and my frenemies will all be there. Even some betches who don't fit any of the above categories - they will be the unwanted pests who simply show up uninvited - like, "Hey girl! Saw your post on Insta, loved the theme!"


Umm it's fucking independence day - the theme isn't exactly novel! And I'm sorry who invited you? You're here why?


But because I've been meditating and reading one of Pema Chodra's books - I'm trying not to be such a judgmental bitch. So inhale, exhale, focus on the out-breath, and let. it. go.


I'm not exactly a Tibetan Buddhist Nun - so the judgment still flows, freely, sometimes all day. But I'm working on it. And according to my therapist that is good enough for now.


So my July 4th party is going to be dry. No drinking. No booze. No alcohol. No party favors. Just clean fun. Talk about a change in pace from years prior.


A few years ago on a fateful July 4th - I started day drinking at some ritzy place in a suburb of Philadelphia. I blacked out and woke up in NYC on July 5th around 5 AM, hungover like a motherfucker. I had an 8-hour exam scheduled for July 5th, back in Philly that started at 8 AM . I hauled ass, made it by 7:55 AM - nauseous, dehydrated, and dizzy. The exam had eight sections, each 60 minutes long with 45-questions. It had to have been the most painful way to work through a hangover, 8-hours of sheer agony. I fell asleep during the last section and didn't even finish all the questions. I reeked of Jack, Absolut & Pineapple and the latest Thierry Mugler scent I doused on myself walking into the testing site. I think back to those years and wonder how the fuck I wasn't killed...or even worse - how did I not kill myself.


Flashbacks like CRAY. Need to apply some EMDR techniques ASAP.


So this July 4th - There will be no drinking. There will be no getting white girl wasted. Just hamburgers and diet coke and getting high off that natural buzz.


Happy 4th my freedom-fighting lovelies,
Elyvas

Don't Let Me Go

This is a CRISIS. I feel the deep pangs of heart ache like hot blisters scorching my insides. I am too sensitive and labile to handle emotional rejection. At moments like this one I question how far I have really come in this new period. I claim to be so fucking grounded. Yet here I am, crying uncontrollably at work, energetically drained, head throbbing, stomach churning, legs numb - all because I got into a fight with my boyfriend. What is this? Do most girls go through this?

All I know is that I want conflict resolved...immediately. I don't want it to linger. I can't stomach the idea of "time" and "processing." I'm terrified of being alone. That's the truth. I think I've found the love of my life. But also - I am terrified of being alone. So I hang in this in-between place of total dependence on my boyfriend to fulfill all my social needs all the while telling myself I am grounded and level-headed.



We keep going back and forth in the same argument - we have gone in circles so many times I barely know what we are fighting about anymore. What I do know is that he breached the trust of our relationship - and it crushed me. Is my ego too big or am I rightfully angered like "how dare he try to keep anything from ME?" How dare he minimize the significance of lying to my face?  I feel like I've been made a fool. This feeling will pass but will this relationship sustain itself? I really don't know. How do I let go of a seemingly perfect guy? I can't.


The only silver lining in this situation is that I'm having a great fucking hair day, my makeup looks flawless and I'm killing it at work. So, anyway...


I'll keep you all updated.


xoxo
the girl who can't stop crying