Thank you, Joni Mitchell....I didn't realize what I had until I faced losing it...
Oh my Oh my this has not been an easy week. I am no stranger to emotional pain but I am a real baby when it comes to physical pain. I was out of commision for 120 hours...and within those 120 hours - my world actually fell apart for a good 20 hours. Can you imagine? I had every ailment known to mankind (short of cancer) for the last five to seven days. I was on every medication you can think of...fighting all these diseases...meanwhile my mind was having its own meltdown. And my heart was going ignored.
So when I lost my health, I realized the value & fragility of health. There is no quality of life without a body and mind that is intact. Unfortunately, having lost my health was not enough torture for me (apparently). Because I decided I needed to take a break from my relationship which has been slowly but surely developing into something serious. It is hard to deny how much it has flourished in a matter of a couple months. For God's sake we are at the stage of saying those three coveted words that all lovers yearn to say to one another....you know - I love you. The first time I heard him say that to me I was speechless - I responded with "I love hearing that." The second time I did no better and responded with "thank you."
like, thank you for loving me, that's all i've got to say. oye.
Anyhow, so I decided to take a break from this textbook-perfect, fairytale-bliss relationship ... because ... well, I don't know. I just thought, you know, it is what needed to happen. As if I had to complete the old saying "when it rains, it MUST pour." So I poured on myself...i downpoured all over my sick self.
It was the most painful conversation. Oh it hurt. It broke my heart in a million pieces. Afterward, I couldn't leave the parking lot because the pain was paralyzing. It felt like a part of my soul had died. I drove home crying...hard. I felt sick, alone, depressed, and broken. I wanted to just cry the pain away. But to no avail. I woke up feeling emptier than the night before.
I followed through with my usual Sunday morning plans....but in despair. I cried in my car, i cried outside the coffeeshop, i cried while ordering my food...there was no shame. only sadness and tears. lots of tears. and at some point during my crying - it occurred to me - I think I've fallen in love with this guy.
To picture going on without him by my side was too much to endure - hence my tears. hence my heartache. At this point I came to realize that I was taking a break from the best thing the universe has presented to me. What was I thinking? I knew I had made a horrible mistake.
tobecontinued
With Love,
ElyVas
