Nights like this would be the nights I would be on my third martini, sixth xanax, and sauntering into the second wine lounge....(it is only one am...the night is young). Because nights like these I feel my heart being set on fire. In that second wine lounge I would search for new strangers, fresh faces to shake hands with...to divulge my deepest fears, darkest secrets, and most intimate feelings. Afterall, strangers make the best confidantes.
But tonight I do not have the luxury of martinis and xanax and lounges and strangers. I have only myself. And to say I feel unsettled would be an understatement. I cannot sleep. I am shaken. I am happy but I feel sad. I am in pain and I feel troubled. I'm falling and I'm vulnerable and it's terrifying.
Feelings are foreign to me. My mind reacts to them with self-defense to protect what it perceives as a foreign attack, guerrilla style. I'm exhausted from feeling so many emotions.
This would all be so much easier to process if I were drunk on vodka pineapple and dancing in a nightclub with my favorite gay bestie. Things just make real sense at three am...with kanye & young jeezy rapping sweet nothings in the background.
Like, you know what I mean though? For real, riiiight?
praying for inner peace & outer answers
ElyVas
9.14.2015
9.07.2015
Bondsman of the Bourgeoisie
The world does not agree with my 24/7 revelry...treating me like a bondsman of the bourgeoisie. But I am more than just a reckless abandon. Because I went from being a slum out of Camden to living large, owning villas in the Hamptons...the definition of a well-trained stallion. So it doesn't matter to me if the people don't approve of my fast-life attitude and planned-out chess moves. Happiness is my truth. There is nothing more I have got to prove.
People will talk until the day I die. I can't change them. I do pity them but I can't save them. No matter what they say - my mission does not change for anyone.
It is essential for me not to allow my thirst for better, my hunger for greatness, my drive to success become distractions to my ultimate goal: eternal peace. My humility is lost amidst achievements. The reality of my mortality is forgotten amidst praise. My vision is blinded amidst the glory. It took losing all the glitz and glam for me to gain perspective. For me to understand the impermanence of it all. I had to fall from grace to appreciate that I am human, that I am vulnerable to loss. No, nothing lasts forever but purity transcends to the afterlife.
God is my greatest asset. God is my closest ally. I must remember that all glory and praise is due to God. I am but a single avenue for goodness. May God bless me with a purpose that carries His message and serves Him well.
Drunk on (holy) Spirits,
ElyVas
People will talk until the day I die. I can't change them. I do pity them but I can't save them. No matter what they say - my mission does not change for anyone.
It is essential for me not to allow my thirst for better, my hunger for greatness, my drive to success become distractions to my ultimate goal: eternal peace. My humility is lost amidst achievements. The reality of my mortality is forgotten amidst praise. My vision is blinded amidst the glory. It took losing all the glitz and glam for me to gain perspective. For me to understand the impermanence of it all. I had to fall from grace to appreciate that I am human, that I am vulnerable to loss. No, nothing lasts forever but purity transcends to the afterlife.
God is my greatest asset. God is my closest ally. I must remember that all glory and praise is due to God. I am but a single avenue for goodness. May God bless me with a purpose that carries His message and serves Him well.
Drunk on (holy) Spirits,
ElyVas
9.03.2015
No but really...
I am pissed tonight. My happy-go-lucky buzz from a few hours ago was killed when I got home to world-war-III happening in my kitchen. My mother is a lunatic. She micromanages like a dictator on expired-acid. Her mood is as labile as an unmedicated manic with borderline personality disorder.
She keeps firing the maids. She hates the gardener (and between you and me, she thinks he ought to be deported back to Mexico...he isn't even Mexican! he's fucking American!). She thinks the mailman is stealing our mail. Worst of all - she thinks I look fat today. Unacceptable. Nothing makes an ex-anorexic & addict crave drugs more than being told she looks fat. Thanks, mother!
(Dialing 1-800-drug-dealer now)
So I stepped outside and chain-smoked half a pack of marlboros. My lungs are destroyed. When I came back inside the house, naturally, I reeked of nicotine. I didn't even try to hide it because I am beyond filters tonight. My mother asked me if I just smoked because I smelled like cigarettes...do you want to know what i said? I told her no. I point blank lied, "No, I didn't!" That is the insanity of our household. Lies pervade. Lies are believed for our own safety and protection. To be ignorant is better than to deal with the truth.
The neighbors are having a party tonight and I am ready to party. I need a drink or two or seven. I need attention. I need to starve myself for the next six weeks. I "need" a lot tonight. But what I have is a loaf of simple-carbohydrates and half-a-dozen eggs....Omelettes, anyone? Fuck omelettes, I want a goddamn manhattan.
I could go on with my endless list of frustrations but who has the time and I don't have the tears. So i'll spare you fools. I love you, anyway.
Until the Next (Pity) Party - xoxo,
ElyVas
She keeps firing the maids. She hates the gardener (and between you and me, she thinks he ought to be deported back to Mexico...he isn't even Mexican! he's fucking American!). She thinks the mailman is stealing our mail. Worst of all - she thinks I look fat today. Unacceptable. Nothing makes an ex-anorexic & addict crave drugs more than being told she looks fat. Thanks, mother!
(Dialing 1-800-drug-dealer now)
So I stepped outside and chain-smoked half a pack of marlboros. My lungs are destroyed. When I came back inside the house, naturally, I reeked of nicotine. I didn't even try to hide it because I am beyond filters tonight. My mother asked me if I just smoked because I smelled like cigarettes...do you want to know what i said? I told her no. I point blank lied, "No, I didn't!" That is the insanity of our household. Lies pervade. Lies are believed for our own safety and protection. To be ignorant is better than to deal with the truth.
The neighbors are having a party tonight and I am ready to party. I need a drink or two or seven. I need attention. I need to starve myself for the next six weeks. I "need" a lot tonight. But what I have is a loaf of simple-carbohydrates and half-a-dozen eggs....Omelettes, anyone? Fuck omelettes, I want a goddamn manhattan.
I could go on with my endless list of frustrations but who has the time and I don't have the tears. So i'll spare you fools. I love you, anyway.
Until the Next (Pity) Party - xoxo,
ElyVas
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