I have this idea that if a man gives me any sort of attention, I need to be ever so grateful and appease his every request. This idea originated years ago…before I was able to reason with my mind.
I didn’t have a traumatic childhood during which time I was abused, neglected, abandoned. But in my adult life I often find myself acting like a girl with daddy issues. I love my father. He has been the outstanding father figure that every girl dreams of having. My dad has also spent my entire childhood working. He has been physically missing but emotionally available if and when I have ever needed him. What I’m trying to explain is that I have no justifiable reason to feel like I need a man (an older man) to complete me.
Yet, I am drawn to older men. Often a decade older than me. I am drawn to their maturity, their intellect, their air of wisdom that I think I lack. It is something about how older men compliment women that appeals to me. They tell me I am beautiful not hot. They say I’ve got an attractive physique not a sexy body. They seduce me with their words not their aggression. And to that I am drawn. I love subtlety, I love attention, I love being desired.
The problem occurs when I am shown attention, I am desired – I become uncomfortable. I withdraw as if it is something I wasn’t asking for. I resist and act coy. This disconnect needs to be resolved. Because I have lost many a good dates to this “tease-like” behavior. Men are simple creatures yet I can’t grasp how to control them the way I see fit.
Perhaps my need to control is the true problem? Let go and let God. So says my sponsor. But more of that in another post. Until next time…Keep it real, my loves.
xoxo
elyvas
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