They got me...I think they won this imaginary game. "They" meaning my internal demons.
Human beings are gifted (or cursed, depending on how you perceive it) with the capacity to fake a lot of things. We can put on a real theatrical show...temporarily. We can fool ourselves into believing the lies. We live by the mantra "fake it till you make it" as if it were sacred biblical text.
While I agree there are many parts of life we can mask ... I am more intrigued by the few parts that cannot be faked - what are those pure truths? Passion from purpose, contentment with life, to love and be loved. No, you cannot fake those truths.
I started drowning in this ocean of lies many years ago. I have been staying afloat at the cost of my own sanity. In pursuit of maintaining a "balance" between all my lies, I have alienated myself from the people who want to salvage what's left of me. As my resistance grows, my resilience has waned - I am conflicted by what I think I need and what I feel I want. I have grown fatigued by this daily struggle. My spirit is broken from the civil war in my own mind.
I kept holding onto some ancient idea that suffering was part of the deal...to struggle, fail, repeat, and never stop to re-assess. But the last few weeks have thrown me into a serious dread... my last string of strength is cut. I'm crushed...I'm vulnerable...and I'm afraid.
I want to walk away from it all. The hope for meaning and the will to live are lost.
