There were more than just tears shed that night ...
It was an unassuming Wednesday...the 13th day in November...unremarkable on all accounts but one. The morning had passed....in an unstable but familiar pattern of marked highs and terrible lows.
Swinging back and forth, feeling invincible then vulnerable, in utter bliss then endless despair. Unrivaled clarity to frozen with uncertainty ... Showing uninhibited love to feeling grave abandonment ... It was in this way that I had spent the last several months... in a state of constant suspense, in anticipation of what the next turn would yield, would it change how I feel, would the search for love lose its appeal.
It was the very exact type of roller coaster ride that I had vowed, only three months prior, not to take.... And yet as the polarized emotions diluted my thoughts, I let myself believe in the half-truths. I slowly surrendered to the insanity. I was planning a future I knew could never be.
Am I better off now that I've let go of a crutch disguised as love ....
My mood was labile...my heart was in overdrive and my mind was in the clouds. Ever so often, between the "high then low and even lower then higher" ... I traversed a level of exhaustion that terrified me... For it had an element of afterlife that shook me.
What I perceived as the tormented bliss of forbidden love .... was simply a scattered array of fleeting unsustainable chaos from the search for love in all the wrong places. that was not love. It was desperation. That filled voids transiently.
