All the other "special" occasions throughout the year only bring anxiety and fuel my baseline cynicism. Any "celebration" that I participate in is forced and half-hearted at best.
This new years eve was no exception. From a missed flight to misunderstandings to a freak accident on a ghetto bus.....I ended up stranded at ny penn station. To make matters worse, I had lost my signature fur hat on the subway, lost a glove to the wind as I was texting with frozen fingers, and had almost lost a limb trying to hail a taxi during rush hour. It's not easy whistling & howling while keeping your balance...only a few minutes of flailing my arm at curbside and I was winded. Like "just lit a pipe & ran a marathon" winded. Cabbies speeding by had splashed enough ice/rain/dirt to give me that city stench of liquor & tar mixed with urine. Not even the succulent blend of nectarine & acacia honey could overcome the filthy smell. Apparently Chanel isn't shit-proof. In any case, I tried my best not to inhale...but ummm oxygen is liiiike soooo important to....staying alive.
And at some point during the hell-trek through the north east, I had managed to cut holes into my brand new tights exposing fresh blood that I had been too numb to even notice until now. Recalling the painful fall I had endured earlier (when i basically jumped out of a moving train & landed in all sorts of wrong)...suddenly the blood & the holes made sense. Walking through Manhattan with bloody kneecaps, ripped tights, half-a-glove, and the residue of a banana peel still stuck on my ass, I was the epitome of a moving train-wreck. Not to mention the streaks of eyeliner that had frozen half-way down my cheeks. Shivering as I marched along - muttering profanities with intermittent outbursts of sobbing loudly - I felt utterly insane and dreadfully alone.
It wasn't supposed to be this way!
Perhaps i should catch you up on the events that led to such a shittastic nye.
Monday at work was a hectic scene...Tying up loose ends and finishing last-minute tasks. Half the staff had already started drinking by mid-morning. Had I not been scheduled for a fitting immediately after work, I think I would have been the drunkest fool in the building. I swear no matter how far you get from your adolescent insecurities....there is something about getting measured that brings unwarranted anxiety...especially when the tailor has known you for ten or so years & seen you through thick & thin (literally)...and lets you know if "il culo è grasso...and you've aged a decade...ma le curve - meraviglioso!" If his hands weren't so magical...and his old-italian grin wasn't so endearing, i would've left him years ago. Although, I must say, his honesty is quite refreshing.
Upon leaving Anzio's studio, I headed to a sushi bar to meet a few friends from work. We were celebrating a birthday, an engagement, and the luxury of an entire three days away from the office. It was only supposed to be a dinner...but 3 martinis later it's 2 AM...and I am doing my best to keep it together in front of my co-workers. I had vowed never to let them see me so drunk and so vulnerable. I was determined to get home, catch up on sleep, and pack for my flight the following day! And so I attempted to hail a cab. But I was met with resistance. I kept hearing "there are no taxis on this street.."...."let me take you home." Something about that last line must have triggered a panic button inside my brain...because i panicked. And when I panic, I reflexively do stupid things. I dialed 911 and requested a taxi...stat.
"Where is the emergency?"
"Operator...officer? Mr. 9-1-1, the emergency is in the streets of this grey city. I need a taxi ... can you help a sister out?"Needless to say, that conversation ended abruptly. Humiliated and a little confused, I had no idea what I was doing (.... both in that moment and with my life). As exhaustion set in, I eventually yielded to my co-workers suggestions and let them take me home. By the time we all got to Kyle's apt, I was far more sober than I wanted to be...and far more upset than I had imagined I'd be. As the party of five slowly dwindled to a party of two it became increasingly obvious what I was setting myself up for....Although Kyle is the very essence of a gentleman, I was not prepared to become the office drunk & slut ... all in one night. So I convinced him I was alright to drive home with the intent of actually checking into the hotel next door. After securing a room for the evening and requesting a late wake-up call (just in time for that flight I had to catch), I walked into the dimly lit hotel lounge and took a seat by the fireplace. Oh i usually love hotels.... except every once in a while, they do frighten me ... they bring me back to my 10 year old self and the memories .... yes the memories, they haunt me still.... the loneliness bellows around me ... and all I can think to do is run ... run from my emotions, run from my past, all in hopes that one day I will wake up without all the baggage.
And so 3 AM turned into 7 am... and next thing you know I'm waking up to a group of people huddled around me. I had fallen asleep on the couch with the television still on and a host of incriminating things strewn about. God bless the members of that hotel staff....because they turned a blind eye to all that they saw...but oh god it was 4 pm. I had missed my flight.
So we've come full circle. I missed my flight. Followed by the disastrous few hours of traveling (but not traveling). Ending with me checking into another hotel in a different city. But before you all pop a xanax for my sake, rest assured, the last hour of new-years-eve was magical beyond...and all the prior nonsense dissolved into nothingness.
Sparkles & Fairy Dust. Until next time.
ElyVas
