Easy/Lucky/Free

I may not be alone but I see nobody along side of me as I walk down these streets. In the dark of the night.

They all deserted me hours ago... I had pleaded with them to stay longer...fearing i wouldn't survive this loneliness...but my efforts had not been enough to keep them. As the sun began to set and my own shadow slowly disappeared....I felt the flame of hope flickering away. Silently I wept. I begged for salvation. for my spirits are delicate you see. I am a fragile being.

Just a few hours ago I was surrounded by people....indulging in the social high that comes from being the life of a party...so engaged in conversation that the mind hasn't a chance to contemplate. the guests, the venue, the love was undeniably grand. It was a comforting scene...it always is.

I took my seat as the best man began his toast. I had been in good spirits all afternoon. I had no apparent reason, no obvious trigger to fall into another dizzy spell of anxiety. But in that moment as I took my seat at a table full of strangers ... I suddenly became so unbearably aware of the love all around me. Everyone was madly in love. And I know no such thing. It was as if I had been struck without warning... a painful blow to the heart...I was truly alone...and I felt it.

But it was not the time to face these realities...I was at a wedding after all! So I cleared my throat in an attempt to keep the tears at bay...and I put on my "so happy right now, my life is perfect, i love everything"  face.  I know it's fake but hell, sometimes you have to be...for the world is ruthless and full of judgment. It sees you in all the wrong lights at all the wrong times.

With that in mind, I have concluded it is far easier to be perceived as a one-dimensional carefree ditz than to have your layers of truth be unraveled....and run the risk of having your weaknesses be exploited. It is for this very reason that I chattered away for 20 minutes about how comfortable my stilettos were even while walking in the sand.  I would rather be misjudged as that girl than have anyone know it has actually been anything but easy walking in these shoes of mine. To keep the image alive (no matter how distorted) means I must continue the charades...It's forced and it's fraud...but it's essential to staying afloat.

And though unfortunate, it is a real fact of life. Because the world will only know you by the words that you speak and by the things that you do. If you are lucky enough, every once in a lifetime, someone may come along and know you for the truth that you feel....and love you regardless. with an open heart, free of judgment. It is a treasured rarity, a remarkable bond....that brings you hope ... and gives you meaning. and amidst a forest full of fakes, its purity shines through...like a breath of fresh air... to love is to liberate.

Vivere e Amare
ElyVas