Oh but tonight is really not the night to free fall into an existential crisis .... my mind and heart are physically ill - This ridiculous so-called "internship" at some hospital...is turning out to be such a life-or-death hammock of horseshit. It's taken an unexpected toll on my emotional stability. Simply witnessing another death may put me over the edge...let alone, participating in the "care" of those dying souls. What "care" exactly? Crushing a few ribs before we crush their already-failing heart? Pounding a dead woman's chest as her son is crying at her bedside, begging you to keep going... when you know she's been dead for 10 minutes....what kind of "care" is that? where is the dignity in that?
I feel like I need to vomit again.
I'm sorry but sometimes people die...I fucking want none of this bullshit on my conscience. I don't want these daily reminders about my own eventual death. about my parent's death. I don't want to think about these things because it's a perspective I"d rather gain through age. Not through traumatic, scarring events.
As for my own death, I sincerely hope it can be a peaceful goodbye while I am asleep. or an instant goodbye, via fatal car crash. Someway, anyway ---- that nobody has to witness it...and I don't have to feel any pain.
Its not healthy but I can't control it....I'm starting to accumulate immense guilt about all the sick fucks dying around me. I don't want to be a part of their medical care....there are too many glitches, pitfalls, mis-communications. Attempting to optimize patient-management once you've become aware of the systemic flaws - you are disheartened at the uphill losing battle right before your eyes. It is a true shit-show behind-the-scenes. I am by no means above the flaws...but observing the consequences of these flaws....it throws me into a serious panic attack....I can't be part of this fraud circus...i can't be promising people we will make them better....when we know their ticker is ticked the fuck out...their lungs are filled with fluid and infection....and their kidneys are just about to fail....
real-talk-only: you should've quit smoking 25 years ago. you should've stopped eating donuts when the scale was tipping at 200 lbs. you should've taken those blood pressure meds like you were instructed to do. real-talk-only - you've got 4 kids and no job, a different baby-daddy for each kid, getting child-support is as unreliably inconsistent as drug dealers in brooklyn. life is fucking hard and you don't have time to think about your failing heart or your diabetic insulin needs. you've only got time (and $) for a bag of Cheetos plus a diet pepsi. and maybe smoke a fag in between...because it feels so fucking good in the moment. pleasure-seeking, instant-gratification, life is so horrible, so why not give me the good stuff NOW NOW NOW.
I'm nauseous because I'm overwhelmed by fear....fear that I don't have the answers and may never find the answers. It's not enough to understand and "really get" the problem.....you have to have solutions, otherwise you are fucked. and end up vomiting all over the god damn hospital.
My one and only (cop-out) answer to all of this is: Ipse dixit
But until I find a more substantial theory: zofran & zanax, to sleep thru these trainwrecks
ElyVas
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