Not sure how much of my "against-the-crowd" mentality stems from my parents' overbearing and sky-high expectations .... and how much is a result of being inherently, genetically "foreign." I'm convinced I was essentially brainwashed from the ages of five to fifteen. Despite being grossly negligent and unaware of their parental duties, my parents somehow drilled their ancient beliefs into my soul. For how little we actually "communicated" they sure as hell communicated enough to give me a fucked-up perspective of the world.
The number of times they simply forgot to pick me up from school or forgot to come to a parent-teacher conference....crossed the line from "busy parent" to outrageously delinquent. It really didn't bother me. I couldn't care less about how "involved" my parents were in my life. Well, I admit - some days, I did get anxious about the logistics of getting-home after school...but that was wayyy before I started making friends with older (licensed) kids. But every few weeks, there would be a verbal message....regarding my intelligence/behavior/overall competence...that would let me know how I was doing....along with subtle daily reminders about the importance of maintaining distance from my peers. Because to remain detached and emotionless - to be robotic and heartless, it was the only way "to succeed." My parents sound liiiiiike .... members of Hitler's posse....ummmm...it wasn't thaaat bad.
Despite the nazi regime reigning over my childhood...I somehow managed to keep "the crazy" separate from the "non-crazy"...... Just long enough to develop my own issues....and now I've lost my balance, lost my sanity.....and have forgotten the purpose of this blog post? Oh whatttttamess....this situation has just gone to hell in a hand-basket. God have mercy, I am prone to panic attacks...you still love me, don't you?
What precipitated this sudden "my parents ruined my life" vent??? To be totally honest, I think I became agitated at some chick at work who continued to respond to my questions with a flat "I dunno" (in a tone that screamed: "I-don't-give-a-shit"). After being dismissed for the fourth time....I happened to notice her hair was braided - held together with blue/white/red ribbons. Something about her overt-patriotism combined with her lack-of-concern for her job...just set me the fuck off. She is the kind of girl who wears argyle vests, red pea-coats (falling at that awkward length that is neither stylish nor flattering), and has a boyfriend named John Smith from NEW JERSEY. And she probably loves jesus christ, loves her nights out with the "girls", and has Sunday dinners with her mother, father, and blonde-haired brother.
Ughhh I am obbvviouslllllyyyyy exaggerating at this point.... bitch does not love jesus christ. she is probbbbably a closeted satan worshiper with a boyfriend named Lucifer. Starving and exhausted...when is starbucks going to start delivering? Do I return Andy's 3rd missed phone call from the other wknd? Do I accept a dinner date with an unassuming nice guy Patrick? Or should I introduce him to patriotic-braids-girl - assuming she isn't dating her John Smith from new-jay....now i'm confused. too many new names. Can I get a day off from work to sort out my over-booked social calendar that needs to take a backseat to my building dependencies. in a serious fog about life. way too many sedatives.
C'est la vie
ElyVas
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