Sunsets on the Eastside

We ran towards the car...my hair still wet from the ocean. He held my hand as I climbed into the jeep. I was refreshed and exhausted at the same time. As he drove down the unpaved roads, I slouched in the passenger seat...soaking up the last rays of sunshine...half-asleep, half-entranced. Pia Kayser's gentle yet solemn voice singing in the background, "You can choose what you wanna feel. Thinking locks you up inside. Stop thinking and open up your eyes."   Oh how fitting, I thought! If only I could stop thinking and open up my eyes!

I had spent all afternoon alternating between being forcefully charming and dreadfully silent. Intermittently, my mind would jump back to memories of happier times...causing my heart to race... as my body froze in the moment. My eyes glazed over - betraying how disengaged I was from the rest of the group. It was rude of me...I was embarrassed by my own rudeness. By the sixth comment about my blatant disinterest, I could tell even Derek seemed annoyed.  He had spent so much time and energy planning this weekend.  And I had been showing my appreciation, halfheartedly. So each time he jolted me out of my daydreams, asking me if I was okay...I felt increasingly more pressure to compensate for my noticeable apathy. What would follow was a short-lived spike in my energy .... I was hoping my feigned excitement could charm the group and convince them  that I was truly having the best time. How many times did I have to repeat "how fun this weekend has been so far..."

Halfway down milestone road, Derek gradually slowed down the car until it came to a full stop. I sat up and removed my sunglasses to ask him why he stopped. He turned his body towards me...took a deep breath and then told me he was falling in love with me. I laughed and turned my face towards the window, unsure if he knew what he was saying to me. When I turned back around to look at Derek, his eyes were glistening. Suddenly I felt insensitive. He had meant to say something serious and I had laughed in response. I sensed that his heart (and ego) had hoped for a different reaction. But before I could speak, Derek took my hand and spoke softly, "It's okay."  It was his way of letting me know he didn't expect me to say anything back. That alone touched my heart more than any piece of jewelry he had bought or any elaborate profession of love he had made thus far....his feelings for me were independent of whether they were reciprocated. I thought that was beautiful.

The sun had set...and the cool august breeze had become a faintly crisp autumn wind. I shivered...prompting Derek to grab his sweatshirt from the backseat. Then he placed his hand on top of mine....as we drove home in silence...allowing our senses to take in what the moment had to offer.  It was the last weekend we would spend together for a long while. The summer had come to an end...and perhaps also our romance. Without the backdrop of the ocean, the island, the almost-utopian life...I wondered how much love could really grow between us.

But I must admit...I have fallen in love with Derek's idea of me...I have fallen in love with playing the part of a naive and normal girl. And I've done everything in my power to perpetuate his initial misconceptions of me...as a girl who knows no emotions but happiness. I've talked about my "perfect childhood."  I've gushed about my "blessed present life."  Through all my stories I've watched Derek fail to pick up on the subtleties, neglecting to know the real me (the one who is a drama queen in perpetual crisis)....and choosing to know the even-keeled, vanilla girl who lacks any depth. According to Derek, I've come to symbolize "all-good-things in life."   To be seen as such an unburdened angelic being....it's a vacation for my own mind. Sadly, however, it's only a matter of time until he discovers the truth. But I would rather we part ways before he opens his eyes....before he realizes that what we have is a perfection that only an image could bring. Real life, by definition, is never so picture-perfect. And real love is never captured through image...it's felt through your heart. And only once the image is shattered, can you begin to plant the seeds of a true & lasting love.