Had someone told me six years ago that one decision would have such an astounding domino effect that would transform me into an even more damaged version of myself…I wouldn’t for even a moment have hesitated to stand up against the world.
Thinking back to those earlier days...when our conscience wasn't cluttered by our mistakes...and our minds weren't foggy from all the regret...I can't help but feel the pain of a lifetime lost. I was only a kid. I stood no chance at being heard for my ideas. Although I struggled with finding the words, many times stumbling through conversations only to be laughed at for my naïve simplicity, what I felt inside---the instinctive aversion towards their perception of what my life should be---remained, un-wavered. It was a vague yet unrelenting uneasiness I felt regarding a career that would promise to embezzle my youth away for a satisfaction that was not even guaranteed to all who dared.
The gradually waning attempts at creating light of a situation that felt too dire to comprehend began to feel more and more like a poor coping mechanism and less and less like a good-humored joke. Because to be honest, there is nothing funny about waking up every day, unhappy. There’s nothing funny about feeling a constant dread towards the future. How can you find meaning in a life that is lived in torment.
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