1. when i was 16 and had just tried acid for the first time...I came home and told my mom I was pregnant to distract her from my psychedelic behavior. "happy grandma day, mom...love, your trippin daughter"
2. when they disapproved of my boyfriend Nate, I told them I was dating my friend James who was actually gay
3. after failing 3 of my 5 classes first semester of college freshmen yr...i told them i had PTSD. i got an A in my theater class, go figure.
4. i'm spending the weekend at Kellys...and by that i meant: i'm flying to Miami for a 2 day immorality binge. (if i don't make it back alive...see ya all in hell)
5. "I've got a huge test on Monday...won't be able to make it to the family reunion" truth: i'd rather eat raw liver than spend time with our fucked up family. i resent being called fat by anorexic Aunt May...i can't stand cousin tom giving me sceevy looks. and bless her heart, but i HATE reminding grandma who the fuck i am every 5 minutes. why are they all such freaks???? yes, i will always have a huge exam the monday after a family reunion.
6. "the interview went great!"...i got trashed in a hotel room with my ex-drug dealer/boyfriend...an hour before the most important post-grad job interview of my life. then i proceeded to regurgitate some quality lines...as my potential employer looked at me stunned/confused/entertained. oh well, shit happens.
7. "all i've ever done is tried to make you happy"...but only after i made myself happy first.
8. "im at a charity event for my sorority...again" - yea if "socials/formals/mixers" can be referred to as "charity events"
9. "mom of course im taking care of my health!" ... by not sleeping/eating, drinking at 3 pm, then fucking random guys i'll never talk to again...oops. it was college, give a girl a break.
10. "it was so not my fault!! he came out of nowhere and just rammed into my car!" ... in my defense, how am i supposed to put makeup on, drink my coffee, steer the car, and text....all at the same time?!? a person is bound to crash at some point.
4.20.2011
4.15.2011
Ennui of Modernity
what good are words if they can't even be spoken??? what is the point of emotions....if they can't even be expressed??? my life is a series of meaningless moments tied together by nothing but passive progression. it kills me, i swear...it kills me to realize how presumptuous it is for someone who has been given every luxury that mankind can provide to speak of dissatisfaction, to complain of unhappiness. it's for this very reason that i can't divulge my truths to another person... it's as if i feel so strongly that it can't possibly be manifested in any socially acceptable form...so i keep everything suppressed, doing my best to maintain some level of "normal". ive been feigning this aura of mellowed content for so long that i can't even remember how to be real anymore. and the longer i pretend to have my shit together, the further i get from the image.
i'm really not some dragged-to-death melodramatic stuck-up bitch...it's only when i'm confined to solitude...for weeks at a time, and ive got no release...that i find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of complete darkness. maybe ive got some serious hormonal grand malfunction. and it's turning me into this hyper-aware hyper-conscious ball of dread. it's the thinking that destroys me...i "think" to the point of insanity and it always ends with me dismissing my entire existence as a philosophical enigma.
in the past, when it got to be completely unbearable...you know how i would make it through the day? with the help of a white synthetically derived compound that was my knight in shining armor, my band-aid when i was bruised, and the sole reason for my fleeting episodes of clarity. i knew it was never a long-term solution...but to be able to take a break from my own mind...even if only for a few minutes...it was the greatest blessing i've ever received. it was the only thing in my life that i genuinely felt thankful for...the only thing in my life that i was passionately protective of. the doctors and therapists would all tell me how that was what normal people call an addiction. but how can something that is supposedly so bad for me be the source of my only happy memories?
It was always a fascinating thought: what was the reason for my (mis)actions. I wasn't happy with the qualities I had/the skills I possessed. God has created us all with both talents and handicaps. By taking a man-made substance...in order to mask my diseased nature...was i declaring war against the creator of the universe? In a way, i guess by taking drugs to "feel better" than ourselves...we are inadvertently acknowledging the flaws we were born with...but god doesn't make mistakes...so why were some of us born with cuts that others take for granted? why couldn't i have been born to a family who showed me unconditional love every step of the way? how is it possible that i was raised in a mountain of wealth....only to come out the other end feeling worthless and emotionally abandoned. To be honest, i would rather have had never known a family...than to have experienced the jerking pain back-and-forth that comes with broken ones.
i used to know the type of kids who have "dinner at six" because their mom made tuna casserole...who get caught drinking underage/get Cs in science/date "bad-boys" against their parents' wishes....and after it was all said and done...these kids would go home to a group of people who fucking loved them despite all the mistakes they had just made. how unbelievably incredible is that? ive spent the last 20 yrs doing nothing but please...try and try again...to convince the people around me that i'm worth it...i'm worth their time, i'm worth their love. and you know what it's gotten me? so much disaster that i can barely function in society. there is so much insecurity beneath my iced glaze. not the kind of situational insecurity that comes and goes...the kind of doubt that haunts you in your every step...that leaves you drenched in sweaty panic. i seriously question my will to live, on a daily basis. i constantly wonder if i have what it takes to be what i'm expected to be.
but the worst part about all of this is...is that i know deep down...what i feel is all a result of my own doing.
i'm really not some dragged-to-death melodramatic stuck-up bitch...it's only when i'm confined to solitude...for weeks at a time, and ive got no release...that i find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of complete darkness. maybe ive got some serious hormonal grand malfunction. and it's turning me into this hyper-aware hyper-conscious ball of dread. it's the thinking that destroys me...i "think" to the point of insanity and it always ends with me dismissing my entire existence as a philosophical enigma.
in the past, when it got to be completely unbearable...you know how i would make it through the day? with the help of a white synthetically derived compound that was my knight in shining armor, my band-aid when i was bruised, and the sole reason for my fleeting episodes of clarity. i knew it was never a long-term solution...but to be able to take a break from my own mind...even if only for a few minutes...it was the greatest blessing i've ever received. it was the only thing in my life that i genuinely felt thankful for...the only thing in my life that i was passionately protective of. the doctors and therapists would all tell me how that was what normal people call an addiction. but how can something that is supposedly so bad for me be the source of my only happy memories?
It was always a fascinating thought: what was the reason for my (mis)actions. I wasn't happy with the qualities I had/the skills I possessed. God has created us all with both talents and handicaps. By taking a man-made substance...in order to mask my diseased nature...was i declaring war against the creator of the universe? In a way, i guess by taking drugs to "feel better" than ourselves...we are inadvertently acknowledging the flaws we were born with...but god doesn't make mistakes...so why were some of us born with cuts that others take for granted? why couldn't i have been born to a family who showed me unconditional love every step of the way? how is it possible that i was raised in a mountain of wealth....only to come out the other end feeling worthless and emotionally abandoned. To be honest, i would rather have had never known a family...than to have experienced the jerking pain back-and-forth that comes with broken ones.
i used to know the type of kids who have "dinner at six" because their mom made tuna casserole...who get caught drinking underage/get Cs in science/date "bad-boys" against their parents' wishes....and after it was all said and done...these kids would go home to a group of people who fucking loved them despite all the mistakes they had just made. how unbelievably incredible is that? ive spent the last 20 yrs doing nothing but please...try and try again...to convince the people around me that i'm worth it...i'm worth their time, i'm worth their love. and you know what it's gotten me? so much disaster that i can barely function in society. there is so much insecurity beneath my iced glaze. not the kind of situational insecurity that comes and goes...the kind of doubt that haunts you in your every step...that leaves you drenched in sweaty panic. i seriously question my will to live, on a daily basis. i constantly wonder if i have what it takes to be what i'm expected to be.
but the worst part about all of this is...is that i know deep down...what i feel is all a result of my own doing.
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