The Unrefined Thoughts of an Insomniac

I can't sleep...I think i'm in the middle of another anxiety attack. life gets to be too much sometimes and it always grips me in this paralyzing state of torture...at night, when i'm trying to forget the pain of living through a wretched mind like mine. sometimes i feel so hollow inside, like i've got no spirit left to ever be happy again. it's been so long since i've felt that peace in my heart that comes with being content...no strings attached. and i'm tired of keeping up appearances...i'm not happy, i can't pretend any longer. its so hard to keep a fucking smile on my face, because god forbid i show some real emotion for a change...and set fire to the world.

with each year that passes, i feel more unstable and out of sync with myself. i used to think it was a phenomenon only teenagers experienced, but as 19 became 20 and 20 turned into 21...so on and so forth...I noticed my uneasiness grow as my stability crumbled. and now i'm just a reckless maniac afraid of my own potential to self-destruct. theres no way of predicting when it will happen...when i just instantaneously lose my shit. it could be in the middle of a grocery store or while im talking on the phone or even if im just taking a shower...i go from white to black, 0 to 180, and my world turns upside down. one minute i'm okay, and the next it's as if the devil has taken over me, giving my mind an intellectual infarction. i lose all sense of logic and rationale...and no concrete thought helps bring me back to serenity. this is followed by an in-between period of sleepless nights and anxiety-ridden days, just dreading the next attack. 

i don't know whats wrong with me and i dont know if i will ever get better. sometimes when i'm at work, i picture myself jumping out of the 5th story window and just being done with it all. i know it's stupid but you don't understand the relief i feel...even if only for a moment. i know i'm not alone in this, i can't be...but how have i lived 23 years without meeting a single person who can help me alleviate this heaviness. like a rock permanently resting on my heart...the pain never leaves. i think i carry so much heartache from the past, worry all too much about the present, and constantly fear what lies ahead. all i ask is that my soul be put to rest. a girl can only take so much.

until next time,
ElyVas

New Years Resolutions Are Made To Be Broken

New Years Resolution...I havent given it much thought. I'm sitting on a train on my way to Boston. Going to visit the bf's family. you know when youre confined to a small space for long hours...you either start getting really sociable (Facebooking, Emailling, Calling people)...OR you become all introspective and whatnot. Well, obviously i'm the latter right now. not only am i thinking about my professional future...as in, what on gods green earth am i doing at an office job that requires less brain activity than filing my nails. but also am reflecting on my personal life...is Robby (my bf) even right for me??? A lot of times i think I'm just with him because it's easy...and he knows me. he gets me. but our relationshp can get so stale. his words hardly sound as romantic as they once did to my insecure 20 year old self. i think (no, i'm almost sure) i do love him...but i dont necessarily desire him. i'm hardly ever in the mood to do anything with him...esp when I'm knee-deep/brain-fried into a fasting cycle of hell...the last thing i want is to be swapping saliva with an aggressive boy. Okay, going to go grab a nonfat yogurt from the cafe...this train is so progressive.

until next time,
ElyVas

Away and Back Again

I went on a mini retreat...mostly because my psychiatrist told my parents it was absolutely essential to my well being. I call it anti-fat camp...instead of coming home, having lost weight and gotten fit, i swear to god i've gained at least 5 pounds. little do they know i'm just going to run it the hell off in the next few days. the camp was a bunch of emotionally distraught 20-something girls who needed an escape from reality so they flew to Utah for a five day vaca. I hate how the counselors at retreats like that force you to talk about all your "issues". I like my privacy, thank you very much. I don't need to tell strangers about my 8 year struggle with starving, bingeing, purging...repeat. or the fact that i overcame a drug addiction. it's like, if i dont divulge over-the-top, borderline TMI...then it must be because i'm still dealing with those problems. not exactly. i meaaan, i think my issues with food are not exactly a disorder, it's more a life-decision to live a certain way. i don't want to get fat, can you really blame me? i'm young, at the peak of my beauty potential...so of course im gonna make the most of it. and despite all the PSAs claiming nonsense such as "men like tone, not bone" i am 100% sure they prefer a girl who can wear 24s without having a muffin top. wear a bikini without having to wear the "modesty" cape that's really just worn b/c of insecurity.

enough with that...i've got so much else to say. but i've got a date with the bf at my favorite place on earth: Starbucks.

until next time,
<3 ElyVas

My First Love Letter

Looking through old boxes, I just came across a poem my college-boyfriend wrote to me...We were 19 at the time and had the most hot/cold relationship known to mankind. After a few months of "couple" status, I decided to end it...he would just get sooo jealous and possessive, and it felt like one of those red flags youre supposed to watch out for in a guy (before you become too attached). Surprisingly, by senior year, we had become decent friends...we both obviously had grown up a lot since the time we dated...and it was nice to be able to find him all over again. let it be known, he is the ONLY one of my ex-boyfriends who i am on speaking terms with. I dont know how women (i.e. jennifer aniston, jessica simpson) maintain amicable relationship with ex's. I get so antsy if i see any of them...and analyze way too much, even if I was the one who dumped him! Anyway...so heres the poem he wrote me. kinda cute, kinda lame, kinda like every other 19 year old in America!

To Ely, the love of my life:
you flew in like the summer breeze
we built our story with natural ease
but with the change in weather, you had a change in heart
we couldn't be together, yet it hurts to be apart
i tried giving you nothing but the truth
but all i had was a sad excuse
of every reason why we couldn't be
desperately hoping you'd fight with me
but you did what i feared and simply agreed
so we smiled politely and said our goodbyes
i was dying so quietly couldn't figure out why
we were letting go with these passive lies?
with time, my regrets have been realized
and the reality of loneliness stings so bitterly
as harsh as the cold winter, as dry as the autumn leaves.
give me just one chance, and i'll make you believe
in all of the love that I once broke on your sleeve.
Love, 
R

Heart Break

so here begins another love affair with someone who has forgotten about me so fast. Just a quick history when I was in high school I was madly in love with a certain boy who after a few cordial words here and there in class forgot about me once he found a girl who would give in. I found myself in internal turmoil for two years after that. Painting away and writing love poems which only mildly relieved the aches and pains of the love affair I had created in my mind. Now, my friends, I have fallen in the same abyss of love so wrong that once again i find myself writing away the pain and crying away the nights. Yes i realize I have taken a turn for the dramatics but how can you tell me everything I feel is wrong or exaggerated. I am feeling it not you (Dr.Karen, sitting in your high chair giving me disapproving pitiful looks). Yes, I see a shrink (personally i think sylvia plath mightve still been around if she had someone to talk to). anyway i digress. My parents now enforce once a week session with this blonde woman who personally likes talking about herself more than me. I keep ranting. The story is simple and yet painful. After finding the email I havnt been able to look at him the same. I found myself wondering how to do the deed of leaving him. I feel paralyzed in so many ways. I need him. I need the attention and the love. And while struggling with this I found myself falling face first in love with a guy at the gym. I had seen him around for months and I just felt the butterflies or whatever you want to call it. And finally after a year of pangs of agony to talk to him he walked over and said hello. He just walked right over and asked me my number. I gave in but felt a tiny hint of guilt. And then for a week I would be with my bf but be thinking of gymboy. I could see his smile, smell his deodrant, and just melt a little inside. I had forgotten about everything that was bothering me. I forgot to eat. I forgot that my bf could still be in love with his ex. I forgot the anxiety i felt thinking about his ex. All i thought of was GymBoy. The way he made me feel was nothing short of the cocaine high right before you know youre going to crash. And thats exactly what happened i crashed. I crushed my little heart by telling gymboy everything. I broke apart. He melted away my exterior and all that was left was my true insides. I wish I could just take back that fateful day. I want him to still love me and give me attention. But he doesn't even respond to my texts. Im going away for a while as prescribed by Dr.K and her team of idiots. I need some time to think, relax, and just paint. I have all these canvases still waiting to be used. Still awaiting a story to be painted. THe honest truth which i hide away from everyone else. Well anyway, i think ill trade away my bright loubouton heels for some black flats, my cheetah scarf for a black poncho and some tight skinnies. Time to hand-in the brightly coloured lips for some dark smudged eyeliner from last night i redrew this morning. Time to lose the comb and wear the rolled-out-of-bed-hair. Id give in all this emotion for one night with gym boy. Just to tell him i love him and that we should follow the feelings in the pit of our stomachs to wherever they lead. Dont laugh, feeling vulnerable is the most tragic state to be in. 

till next time,

elyvas

A Picture is Worth a Thousand...

This photo affects me in a way I can't explain. It represents everything I'm feeling right now, as I anxiously plan a future I think I deserve? My boyfriend (or more appropriately: the guy I'm...seeing?)  just bought us tickets to Saint Lucia for Christmas...and I'm thrilled, or I was thrilled. Until I found myself at a moral crossroads...and obviously did what any girl would've done...now I feel morally bankrupt.

He was making dinner, and I was doing some last-minute research for work on his laptop. His email was open...I was curious...So of course I indulged...and it's a good thing I did because...it turns out he had asked his ex-girlfriend to go with him to the fricken Caribbeans...this email was dated only last month!!! She said no...but only because her grandmother is in hospice (or some sappy garbage of that sort)....then she proceeded to hand out an open invitation to what sounded like a "friends with benefits" relationship.

I'm so confused...this messes up everything! Part of me wishes I hadn't found out...so I could just go on vaca with my bf...show off my abs that I've been starving to attain for the last 3 months...get that "i've been drinking all day" feeling...then have amazing sex without feeling cheap about it. I need to go clear my head...writing this did not solve a thing. Will update later.

to be continued,
ElyVas

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Ely's Foto Pick #1

love this photograph

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Blender me a Crazy Shake

It's been a busy month...enough drama to drive a girl into complete madness. If only I had my own reality show, then creating a blog would not be so necessary. But, I'm not famous....sad face. So I'm going to do the next best thing...blog about my krzy ways and "omfg" days.

I graduated from college last year. While it was a magical 3 and a half years...the last few months were anything but. I had my own Sylvia-Plath-style mental breakdown, precipitated by the fear of entering the real world. I would literally shit my brains a little every time I thought about having to "prove" myself without the Dean's List letters or frivolity titles like "hottest girl in tri-delta". In the real world, you actually have to be good at things and you're expected to apply all those skills you've mindlessly claimed to have mastered on your resume.

(confession: dear future employer, "Database Management System" is something I'm good at only in my dreams...please don't ask me about it)

After realizing all the ways I'm not nearly as great as I sound, I knew I would never stay afloat post-grad. All my life I've just been winning awards/holding positions thanks to a little bit of concentrated effort and a lot of ass-kissing/people-pleasing. End Result: a highly-motivated superstar, on paper! whose qualities just don't translate into a tangible 3D world. but here's a question: Doesn't being hot count for anything? bc I can definitely show that talent in 3D...and other people agree, or at least the ones on facebook...(i swear, i've got more "likes" on my profile pic album than Ashton Kutcher has twitter followers).

I was the poster child for when insecurity leads to vulnerability. Add fragility to a mind that's already brewing-chaos...and you get a ticking time bomb. So not surprisingly, the impact of a few mildly stressful micro-events on my delicate state was huge...and brought me to my "emotional collapse"... The same day I got my acceptance letter from law school, I also reached the peak of instability...and (stupidly) tried to OD on pain pills. It was dramatic, foolish, and not well-thought-out. But, in my defense, it was a gradual progression...and the people around me must've been swimming in the river of Lethe or intentionally turning a blind eye to my obvious cries for help. bc in retrospect, i was showing all the "warning signs" of a person in crisis...but i come from a family of dysfunctional lunatics who are too proud to look in the mirror.  and i'm sure watching me spiral evoked all the feelings they still have yet to come to terms with in themselves.

Anyway, don't want to get into all the details right now, but I was a basket case, feeling such a wide range of emotions that were beyond my own control. From experiencing an artistic renaissance one minute to self medicating with eau de vie the next...i was unpredictable and a total looneytoon. the only good memory i have of those months, is my insanity-inspired sense of style. the fact that i practically abstained from food also did wonders for my "starving (maniacal) artist" vibe. on the days when I would be especially fired up...i would get dressed (the standard ensemble of all-black head-to-toe), do a latte-run, then disappear into my studio for hours...painting so passionately, that i felt like i was losing parts of my soul with each brush stroke. it was physically exhausting, but more than that, it was mentally draining.

fast-forward to a few weeks after my cringe-worthy overdose-gone-horribly-wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it)...

my parents 302-d my ass. I don't know what's harder to believe...that my parents actually felt so helpless they had me committed against my will...or that i reached such a level of crazy to warrant the same tactics as Britney Spears during her British-accent/Sam-Lufti days. for the record, i never (publicly) trashed any cars with an umbrella and i definitely never even considered shaving my head. Because, honestly, if i was going to be crazy, I didn't need to be ugly at the same time.

Until next time,
ElyVas